Today was FANTASTIC! I got accepted into Scholars Seminar! That's basically the honors version of my required writing course for next year. Only about 20 people get in, and there are about 200 Warren freshmen, so that makes me feel special. The theme for this year is "Love and Death". I had to write a short response about why I found it interesting, as part of the application, and so I wrote about the quote "Love is watching someone die." Apparently they liked it. Also my 12-page synesthesia paper.

OH MAN. CHORD! I can write that now! I can write again! I feel music and creative and stuff and whatnot and *bursts into light*!

Yeah. Damn straight, I'm gonna do something this summer. I keep literally flying between modes. First I want a job, then I don't want a job, then I'm hungry, then I'm tired, then I like music, then I like this other music, then blah blah blah. Hahaha, whatever.

So after finding out I got in to that, I went down and practiced parkour with people in the park across from BHS! Learned how to properly roll, so now I can jump from high(er) places without suffering bodily harm! It's great.

The problem I had with Chord was I didn't have all my ideas laid out. Maybe I should do some, like, PLANNING beforehand. That might help.

After parkour I biked all the way to Inspiration Point! It was a lot easier than I'd been afraid it would be. The hardest (most painful) part was actually coming back (downhill) because there was nothing stopping me from pushing as much as I could. I think wind resistance may be a significant factor at that speed.

Now I feel great. That fantastic feeling of when you're physically tired? Yeah. :D Should get more full-body exercise like that. I like exercise. At least in theory, right now.

Also blogging. And thinking. All of that's sorta died. I think I may not think as much anymore because there's nothing prompting me too; no interesting classes, no nonfiction books. I started reading again! Got four books from the library, have already read one. And found Little Brother to reread and also have Lolita to read as summer reading for Scholars Seminar.

I also don't TALK to people anymore! Gah. This is a problem. There are only three people who I've attempted to have a real conversation with online in the last FOREVER. I should really talk to people! Like Bryan! He was asking me some questions about stuff I've already thought about, about consciousness and POV (relevant to upload) and uhm something else. Oh, how upload would be done. Yeah. There's someone to talk to more. Hm. Maybe I could ask people about stuff I already know, to see their POV. That's something Simone does. That's something I also did in PE. I sorta ended up educating people. Hah, this one guy thought he got all enlightened when he realized that we don't actually know anything about the world. I should talk to him, too.

And all these other people I've forgotten about! Damn! Look at me being a silly failbat. Time to go change that

I've lost so much that I had gained between December and April. I'm not quite sure what I've lost… color, ties, music… I seem to have gone back to roughly who I was before then, although more solid/complete/comfortable… but it's lacking. In texture/flavor/color/music/olfactory. Perceptions. Basically it's rather, well, normal. Hah. There I go not making sense.

I'm sick. I need to get better, and then see what I had been doing back then that I'm not doing now. Also need to review this journal. There's no need for a journal if I'm normal, then there's no changing, no emotion (that's something else I'm lacking), no excitement. Dreams, probably, too. I really wish I was more connected to those, which naturally means lucid, probably. So. More sleep, more meditation, and review.

All of a sudden I stopped posting. Well, that's not really true. It wasn't all of a sudden. It was more like, oh, maybe I should post. And nothing happened. And then oh, maybe I should post… and again nothing happened. Etc. There never really seemed to be time. Lots of stuff happened in those three weeks! I went to Six Flags and rode every roller coaster—and it was the first time I'd ever ridden roller coasters (I guess you could say I like them); I went to Cazadero, for the last time, and mentored 5th graders, and played the viola, and attacked someone, and became comfortable with sexuality and relationships and PDAs and all that; I pulled nearly an all-nighter to finish a presentation for physics on transhumanism and nanotechnology that went quite well; I had a concert; I led a lesson in math teaching integration by parts; I learned other math; I presented an urban plan to serious proffessionals; I went on a scavenger hunt at night and totally didn't expect to win; I won said scavenger hunt and $39 with that; I went to three graduation party-type gatherings; I went to the beach; I thought about what life is like after high school; I got sick; I got The Sims 3 and Command and Conquer: Tiberium Wars; I climbed onto a roof of my elementary school; I played Ninja and dodgeball and other various tagging games; I reinstalled my operating system to fix a strange and terrifying problem with SyncServer; I got new music; I found my calculator!; I had various dreams about college and showers and people and places and things; I uninstalled World of Warcraft; I had my yearbook signed; I made a list of things I want to do this summer; I started cleaning my house; and, oh yeah, I GRADUATED.

Phew.

Life's pretty amazing sometimes.

I really feel like I'd rather be having conversations with people through this blog than just saying stuff. I haven't really talked to anyone in a long time, and there are also a great many people I haven't talked to in a long time.

I dunno. What should I say?

I am SO CONFUSED! I could've sworn there was a post where I asked for music suggestions in the last month or so, and I got like 5 comments from Benj and Ben and maybe other people, and now it's COMPLETELY VANISHED. No trace of it, ANYWHERE—not in my LJ inbox, not in my email, nowhere. What the fuck? I even referenced it on may 13th—"Probably also to go through all those music suggestions and actually find some music."—but now it seems it DOESN'T EXIST.

I realized that always having new music is important to keeping myself alive, otherwise I become THOUGHT-DEAD and UNCREATIVE and EMOTIONALLY FLAT. It's strange and interesting but for now let's ignore the processes of my brain and find some good music. I seem to be interested in summertime-y music now, so sort of like The Pillows (only I don't want japanese) or Death Cab for Cutie.

I seem to have lost creativity... I can't write or think or draw or... stuff. I can't express myself properly. I don't even know if I know how I'm feeling. I seem to be angry today. Not looking forward to much at all right now. I really wish I wasn't angry... it's no fun.

Crazystrangeintensewoah experience. It's cold and dark and foggy and wet outside. I've been playing computer games pretty much entirely for the past three days. I'm so completely out of it it's insane. I don't feel like I'm in my body—I feel very detached from it. I noticed I was walking very quickly and I even ran some, and I noticed my muscles getting really tense and I wasn't really in pain except for getting a stitch in my stomach. The scariest things were a man silouhetted moving like a mirror of me for a short moment, and the sound of running footsteps up to me from behind. Also SO CONFUSED about my body right now—is it exhausted? Completely unprepared for action? I haven't been getting any sleep (7 and then 6 the night before last and last night respectively) so that's probably because of playing computer games and it's obviously bad, even though I've been remembering my dreams and it's FELT like I got plenty (enough) rest. Anyway. Very out of my body. Very dream-like. Very strange, very cool. Fuck the word very. I'm going to go… do something else.

Oh, I also listened to music for the first time in a while, and it was nice, but it didn't—oh, maybe it did get in my head.

It's impossible to laugh without people! That's really big. Laughter feels so good, I'm sure it has strong ties to the reason (or the how) humans became real social animals. It's not really possible to be happy alone.

That was yesterday evening. Last night I had some dreams that I can still remember some, so here they are.

My math class was in the portables and Ms. Burke was in the portable next door (so there was no teacher with us) . There was this one guy trying to juggle, then Eric was like I can do 5. I threw him the 3 that were already being used plus two of mine and he was like no, not right now. He kept trying to juggle two and failing. Then he called Ms. Burke from the phone in the portable and pretended to be her husband. She walked in while he was still talking to her and stood and watched for a bit until he turned around and noticed. It was really hard not to laugh while she was standing there, but everyone managed to remain silent.

Everyone had some powers. My friend had this one power to read people's minds. There was this other guy who blocked that power. My friend was terrified of this guy. He was sorta traumatizing… He had this "scalpel" (small fancy scissors with claws on the tips) that could extend as far as he wanted, and kept extending them really close to the back of my friend's head. I said I was going to break them… and then he extended them towards me and I grabbed them and snapped the tip off.That got him really angry. He took out this gyroscope thing from his pocket and threw it down on the floor, saying "You had better get off the floor… for the rest of eternity." It was bladed I guess—if it touched anything it would cut it up really badly. (This was in my house). It rolled into the kitchen and I tried to close the door on it, but it slipped under the door and went crazy, barely missing me. It started to slow down a bit though, and then I dropped a book on it and held it there and tore it apart, too. I think it was at that point that the dream noticed I must be Buddhist. Free of desires and wants, I don't use a weapon and am nonviolent towards people. I have food, water, shelter, and a God, and that's all I need. My shelter is a rock by the lake.

The third and final dream was me being the commander of a military… thing in Oakland. We were like an anti-Russia defense building, and it was the cold war except everyone still used propeller planes and there was the Coca-Cola company... I arrived at our floor of the building and they were talking a bunch… I gave them some lecture notes and let them keep talking. I passed out slips of paper that'd be used to sign out / go off duty. Just as I finished, they got really loud and I yelled "SILENCE!" They listened to me. "Listen very carefully," I said. And there was the sound of propellers, and as we looked out the window we saw a helicopter escorting a missle flying over the bay. I ran and yelled out into the hallway "Helicopter and missile, we're dead!" so the secretaries could know because they might be able to tell other people; we had no communications in our room, and then I watched the missle fall into the southern part of the bay and exlpode. "Brace yourselves!" I did NOT stand next to the fat guy, I went and braced myself in a corner. And then the shockwave hit, and I was flying along the street outside, going faster than a cyclist who waved his arms and nearly fell off when he was hit by the shockwave, and I yelled "Biker! Behind you" as I flew past in my concrete corner. Kept on going, still getting shaken up a lot and going really fast and approached an SUV parked in the road, but I barely missed it.
 
I also dreamed I went to CTF and it was only 12:19 and people were there, and Tom Kelly was dressed as Daku and I told him about that dream.

So apparently not only is that a really cool theme and works with FGAb, GABb, BbCD, EbFG, CDEb, BC#D#, but also ANY OTHER COMBINATION of notes that form that progression, it's also stuck in my head all symphony-like and epic. I think I might hafta write some music someday. Obviously not now, because now I'm probably going to be lame and go do something boring and also don't have my violin now, but that would be cool.

Had a dream during my nap! At the end of it, Daku Hammerfist dueled Lukas' character on the roof of the D building, and lost because Lukas secretly had a catapult! And there was music during that final battle, and it was still in my head when I woke up! F… G Ab F… G Ab F G Ab F G Ab F G Ab F… Or maybe it was Eb F G instead of F G Ab. Or something like that. Not sure what it is because the notes are the notes of whistling in my head, which are wrong. But it's really cool and epic and very Finale! Exciting. The rhythm is actually dotted quarter, 2x sixteenth notes, dotted quater, 2x sixteenth notes, then triplet eigth notes.

Oh, other stuff happened in that dream… I'm having trouble remembering, though. I can just remember the end of it… Oh well.

I just saw the AHS dance show. Really liked the guys dancing, it was really cool. I really want to be able to dance now. Think I'ma try learning.

I had the though that I haven't been giving my body the respect it deserves pop into my head. It's probably true. I should get better & real exercise more often and stretch and sleep better and more. Swimming and lifting and biking and rock climbing…

I'm also coughing more. Not so good. And… hm. OH MAN LESS THAN A MONTH OF HIGH SCHOOL.
FOURTEEN SCHOOL DAYS LEFT, TWO OF WHICH I'M MISSING.
URBAN PLANNING IS AWESOME.
Eew, caps.

Blah blah bike star trek blah blah. School blah blah AP Econ tomorrow blah looking forward to Urban Planning. Blah blah, blah summer blah blah friday. Weekend? Ooh, 3 days. StarCraft. Although Star Trek was good.Oh, shit, dreams. Totally been remembering them when I wake up, not so much afterwards. Guns, train, zombies, bike, place (???—some building, really nice), water in the parking lot, Mr. Gaebler. Tired. Future. Fantasy. Want. Sleep. Tomorrow's Thursday? Hmm… Eh. Nothing really happening.

Should make some stuff happen. What does happen / should happen / happens to most people?

StarCraft's a waste… At least we're playing something good in chamber music, doing Urban Planning in Gov and possibly something in Calc. I dunno really what to do… how do people live? Oh, right, I need more sleep to live. Guess I'll go do that then… why do I always (try to) end my posts with that? I mean, it is what I go do but still… I don't like being the same. Y'know. Whatever… people, too, need fixing. Probably should talk to more of them more. Does it matter if they misinterpret that? I don't know… whatever. Very apathetic apparently. Hah. Apparently. I deduce my status by observing my statements. What a fail method. Why would I express my status accurately? Mostly it's actually that I don't care… well, that's apathy I guess. Anyway. Ugh. Making sure people understand you woud be such a chore. I should find interest… that's wha tI need. Probably also to go through all those music suggestions and actually find some music. I haven't had music in my head in SO LONG. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what that means, and I don't know how it affects me.

I was doing really well today until about an hour ago when I just crashed. I woke up at like 7:30 and remembered my dream, sorta—mostly the end, but there was also people stealing stuff and me not being able to punch properly and my violin and then in the end there was Jamie with a rocket. I cleaned up my room and did good stuff. I went and looked at art on DevArt, found I really liked futuristic/fantasy worlds/pictures. They're just… It's what I want. The future. Clean. Beauty. Different worlds, not this one. I dunno what's wrong with this place & time, but whatever. I wish the world was as beautiful as art portrayed it… I rode my bike and hung out with Simone… I haven't really eaten much food, but now I'm all angry and sad and annoyed and exhausted. I had even been really inspired and feeling creative and thinking before, too, after talking with Ben about Flow and thinking about N%U and making characters… now I just can't bring myself to care again. What is there to do? I'm all like this again, and apparently mean, too… I should probably eat more food and sleep. I thought I had something to say here, though. Maybe I don't. Okay.

…What to do with life/time/stuff? It's not like… I don't care… nothing matters…

Oh, something I had to say is music is colorful. Really colorful, especially when you can hold it all in your head… And words. I don't really feel anything positive, but I feel like I would like colors…

What's the point?

(Stepping out of the mindstate to take an external perspective, I would comment that I think I've been like this before and really am just rambling questions because that is how the mindstate is feeling.)

Yes, I can step out. Why not? It's just a way of thinking. I guess I can't step out entirely, or don't want to—I'm not sure which. Maybe it's good that I'm not trying—that I'm not really going too far out. But I just wanted to say that I'm fine (for now)—or at least should be tomorrow.

I mean, I guess I'm obviously not fine, but it's not a (big) problem, as long as I remain aware of it. This seems to be taking some effort, though. And I'm really tired. And I took a nap this afternoon.

Not even thinking about being sick again…

Sleep
Eat
Write
Read
Listen to Music
Play Music
Talk to People
Be With People
Think About Interesting Things
Learn About Interesting Things
Experience Change
Change Something for the Better
Dream
Experience Beauty
Have New Experiences
Go Places
Do Things
Smile
Laugh
Care About
Feel Cared About
Capitalize Things That Don't Need To Be Capitalized
Meditate
See Good Movies / Plays / Concerts / Performances / Presentations
See Cool Movies
Describe Things
Help People
Be Strange and Different
Develop Thoughts
Improve Myself
Feel Empowered
Physical Contact In All Its Various Forms
Be Mysterious And Slash Or Confusing, But In Good Ways
Be Nice to People
Use Improper Grammar To Convey My Thoughts
Convey My Thoughts
Get Places On My Own, Especially On A Bike
Adventuring
Interesting Forms of Exercise Like Rock Climbing
Lie Down
Telling People What I'm Thinking Very Quickly So I Can Tell Them What I'm Thinking By The Time I Finish That, Or Stream Of Consciousness
Being Near, In, Or On The Ocean
Flying, With Or Without A Vehicle
Eating Strawberries Or Watermelon Or Chocolate
Being Warm Or Cold But Not Too Much Of Either
Wear Color
Look Badass
Be Badass Or Carpe Diem-Y
Be Sad In Good Ways
Be Happy
Be Comfortable
Feel Safe
Draw
Express Myself
Compose
Hear My Thoughts
Hear Music That Nobody Else Can Hear
Stretch
Relax
Understand Things
Do Math That's Fun, Like Arithmetic And Algebra And Calculus, But Not Whatever Math Anal Was About
Be Healthy
Hit Things
Climb Things
Take Things Apart
Build Things, Especially Out Of Legos
Clean Places Up
Make Places Look Better
Remember
See Cool Things, Like Rocks
Feel Smart
Write Cool Programs In Good Languages
Use My Absolute Pitch
Finish Things

I'm healthy again. :) I had a fantastic time at N%U, and just saw the latest episode of Dollhouse. Free all of tomorrow. Not sure what I'll do, certainly get plenty of rest, but I think then I might take some time to straighten up my life and go back to walking and thinking and being creative.

I had lots of fun as Janaka. I noticed I tend to play characters as casual and open and sarcastic now. Well, at least I did after making amends with my brother (after having killed him).

Life is pretty good now. Well, now that I'm not sick. It's… I just need to figure out what to be doing all the time, that I'll enjoy. And I definitely think art is something I'll enjoy. Hey, the other night I had a poem in my head! Well, at least a little rhyming phrase, about Janaka. I can't remember it though, of course.

I haven't really been thinking much about anything lately. Also haven't been listening to much music, but I was going through old music I used to listen to… Yeah. Well, I should go do something.

I should also start writing down my dreams again!

Yeah

Yay, done with calculus AP test. Did pretty well on it, too. Probably a 5, maybe a 4. I like math tests because they're simple—just math, nothing silly like chemistry or english or the silly bits of music  theory like harmonic dictation, oh god. Government was also ridiculously easy, of course. Nothing new there. Econ next thursday will be interesting. I wonder how much I remember.

Also, sick. Oh hey bootleg on Saturday. I'll be well by then, but probably shouldn't overdo it. It won't be raining. 

Obviously while sick thoughts don't work too well. But it's nice being free and relaxed and doing stuff I enjoy. Lying in bed watching movies / TV shows is nice. I'm really looking forward to being able to move again though, want to go out and see pretty places. Still undecided if I want to go to Wayfinder this summer or not. Maybe N%U will help me figure it out. I should probably also talk to someone more about it. Also thinking about going to NY and NH.

Really looking forward to college. I came home from school early (skipped 6th) and was sitting in bed playing StarCraft and then trying to watch Torchwood, and then all of a sudden my brother comes in and I became a lot less happy/comfortable. Sometimes it really is nice to be alone and peaceful, and have everything just the way you want it.

Feeling good is so nice. I think I feel really happy right now. It's so easy to forget and not notice and become accustomed to how good we normally feel.

I also think N%U will help me make progress on my game/story. I haven't created or thought about anything in a while now. I'm looking forward to doing that again.

The show is FINALLY OVER. It's been three weeks since I've had real free afternoons. And time. WHeee time. I remember art. And writing. And music. And thinking, and hanging out, and not playing computer games… hah, playing computer games. I also remember playing them… and WoW… and…

Time. Time is just everything. Ah, to do everything at once. That would be really cool, that's what I want, that's also impossible, of course. So to decide what to do with the time that is given. Order and cleanliness would be nice, too. And air. And beauty… I should really make this summer something special. I spend a lot of time not doing stuff because I don't think to remember what I like to do. I should learn to hear my music at any time. That would be cool. I actually have multiple sounds in my head at any time—last night I counted five different sound trains going on at once. Sort of at once, anyway. Music and voices and stuff. I've got a really runny nose right now, and I'm really tired, so I'm going to sleep soon, but I really want to make my life more beautiful than it is right now because it has kinda sucked for the last few weeks, but now… I can work to make it nicer. That's what I have to do. I never get up to do anything because… well, no more. Which of course is bullshit but I will try to get up and do stuff now. But priorities. I think sleep is most important. And music. I like sleep and music.

G'afternoon.

It's amazing how I forget all the time how sleep really helps life to just feel FANTASTICALLY better. I talk about it a lot but don't often apply those words… like right now, writing this at 12:20 when I need to be up in 7 hours. 7 hours != enough… Ugh. That's not good. That means I hafta sleep on the bus or in the afternoon or lots on sunday morning… meh.

Not many new thoughts. I think I might just try writing about the day, and see if that gets stuff flowing. I mean, I don't feel like spewing out the same old emotions over and over again (ugh school tests yay it feels like its over, yay music yay summer yay… I dunno, playing computer games is bad, etc etc etc.). Although been playing a lot of StarCraft recently, trying to get good at that. Thinking about specializing in Terran or Protoss. Hah, specializations.

So many people live lives that are so… mundane. Regular jobs? Life… bluh. And places. So many places are bad to live (but pretty). I have this whole fantasy future planned out… well, not this whole one but ideas of what it'll be like. Most people think the future will be better than the present, and we can only see the next step… not all of it. (I finished Stumbling on Happiness. It was REALLY good, you should read it. Whoever you may be).

I'm basically looking forward to EVERYTHING after Saturday. Once I'm done with CMEA and then this musical, life should be good… I mean, except for all the projects I have to bullshit for school. And how half the Gov final is due the day after the AP test… that's just dumb. URBAN PLANNING IS GOING TO BE SO COOL!

Eh. Out of stuff to say, and fell asleep before remembering to post this.

Why aren't I able to say stuff?

Maybe I should get more sleep.

Because I've sorta forgotten what the point of this is. Is it to say my thoughts / what happened / stuff, or is it like for when I feel compelled to put stuff here? I guess I don't feel compelled—ooh, hey, I had something that I was thinking about earlier. I should remember to think about caring more. That doesn't sound like what I mean, though. Anyway. I find it interesting that my life tends to be about one person at a time. No, I don't find it interesting, it's just something possibly unusual I noticed.

Oh hey, sleep. I talk about sleep a lot. Maybe it's more important to me than I think. I got new earbuds today, I don't like them much but that'll probably change? That questionmark didn't mean what I meant it to mean. I don't feel like—oh hey, if I thought all the time, I think I'd be way too smart. I don't want—no, I want to think all the time… I just don't want to work… I forget what those had been going to be… I really wish I had thoughts to say. I just have feelings… why so objective?

Last night was annoying (sleeping at like 1:30), had SO MUCH MUSIC stuck in my head and my brother woke me up at 7:30 as usual starting up his computer and I woke up sometime in 4 with so many musics overlapping and no idea of who what where when or… anything… it was really strange and I want to get good sleep tonight.

I'm not who I was last week, who was I last week? Who was I before? Who have I ever been? Woah, that sounds not like me. Hah. Irony. I like irony was what I was going to say, and then that was more irony but more importantly there was also this question of "I".

I need more to matter, otherwise stuff will be bad.

…or I could just go sleep?

YESSSS! THE SHOW IS OVER!

By which of course, I mean tech week is over, so I now have time in my life again for… stuff. Most of the time, at least. Still more shows of course, and preview day, and two AP finals next week, and I need to prepare for calc final, not gov final (psh, gov), and I still haven't told Mr. B I'm not doing Java… But stuff is good and damn this is a short post.

People liked the show.

SO. Stuff has been happening lately (some), and I haven't kept up. Like recent dreams. I had another dream about dining with the Chinese king who had motives to kill me, only this time I chose to be suspicious of the chopsticks and tried to find some others. I dodged the assassin's thrown chopstick and actually hit her with my own. The guy escaped over the fences after getting grazed, and I dropped back down to avoid his pot-on-a-rope. Also, there was another dream sequence involving staying out of the shadows, because something dangerous was in there, although Vashta Nerada weren't specifically mentioned. And some other stuff. Oh! One of them was Hillary, wearing a blindfold, in the Little Theater, an actor in the musical. The Plathe (Path plate). Mm. Yeah.

Blink was a good book. I started Tipping Point last night but this afternoon checked out Stumbling on Happiness, which is really good.

Ugh, distractions. I think my frontal lobe spends a lot of time not working, which is why I spend a lot of time sitting and not-thinking.

I'm no longer in the mood for saying stuff, I think… But I'm thinking right now late at night so yay! maybe I'll say more later. Also, talk to me. Yeah. Just all of you, in general, although it still works better on the internet.